Singleness and the Church (Part V)

The other day I saw an advert for The Purpose Driven Family, a study curriculum developed by Pastor Rick Warren at the famous Saddleback Church, and I was reminded all over again why I started this series on singleness. As a full disclaimer, I should say that I’ve never looked into The Purpose Driven Family curriculum beyond yesterday’s quick skim of the ad-copy, so I’m making these judgements based solely on the cover; but based on that cover, a campaign like The Purpose Driven Family illustrates the challenges of being a single person in the church that I’ve been trying to articulate in this series.

To understand what I mean, try to imagine yourself as a single Christian—a gay man who has chosen to walk the path of celibacy, perhaps—a single woman who has served Jesus all her life and never felt the need to marry, maybe—a divorcee who is trying to pickup the pieces in a way that honors Jesus, let’s say—a single mom whose boyfriend bailed when she got pregnant—a young adult who hasn’t yet found “Mr or Ms Right,” and isn’t so sure they ever will—a—well—you get the picture. Imagine living out one of the many permutations of the single life, as a Christian, and this particular Sunday your pastor announces that for the next 40 days your church is going to focus specifically (perhaps solely) on how to turn your marriage, your kids, or your nuclear family into a power-house for Jesus.

What response are you likely to have?

If you are like any of the single Christians I’ve known, you’ll probably just hold your breath and bear it for the next 40 days at church. Quite possibly you’ll check out mentally for those said 40 days. It’s not impossible you’ll decide to skip church altogether until the Purpose Driven Family thing is done.

Am I saying that the Bible has nothing to say about being a Christian mom, dad, kid, or member of a nuclear family?

No. It has all kinds of things to say about how the Gospel can intersect and transform your family life. Of course it does.

Am I saying the church should never talk about Christian family life, for fear of ostracizing the singles in their midst?

No again. Of course there is a time and a place to do so.

All I’m saying is that if and when a church does launch this kind of a family-focused ministry, it needs to address the fact that it may be unintentionally communicating to the single people in its community that they do not matter as much as married people, that it believes married life is the only “serious” way to follow Jesus, or that God is really just the great matchmaker in the sky whose ultimate goal is simply to pair everyone up with a compatible life-partner, 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence around the yard.

As far as I can tell, none of those things are true.

God’s goal is men and women who are following Jesus with all they got, on a shalom-oriented mission for him in the world, and living that out with every breath no matter what circumstances they find themselves in. Marriage is one way to achieve this goal, sure. But so is singleness. And a church that wants to challenge its married people to live on purpose for Jesus should think just as seriously about how to extend that same challenge, with equal weight, to its single people.

A while back I did some writing for our denomination on this topic, and I developed a small “discussion starter” questionnaire that church leaders might use, to think through if, how, and to what extent they actually affirm singleness as a meaningful path for following Jesus. I want this blog series to sound as practical note as possible, so I offer it here as a little thought-experiment in closing.

1. What percentage of our church households are singles?

2. Do we have any singles in meaningful positions of leadership?

3. Do our practices around Mother’s Day or Father’s Day exclude or alienate singles?

4. Do we have couple’s focused ministries, activities or events that explicitly or implicitly exclude singles?

5. In our discussions of outreach do we explicitly or implicitly specify “families” or “couples” as the preferred demographic?

6. In our vision/values/mission documents, do we explicitly or implicitly state our focus is on families?

7. Do we have singles-focused ministries that “isolate” singles from the broader church community?

8. In our teaching or preaching on Christian marriage, families or sexuality, do we include teaching that presents singleness as a legitimate expression of one’s sexuality and/or celebrates it as a meaningful path for discipleship?

9. In our hiring of or searching for pastoral staff, board members or other leaders, do we implicitly or explicitly communicate that single pastors will not be considered?

10. Do we have ceremonies of commissioning to service, or covenant friendships, or other creative ways of publicly acknowledging and affirming people’s choice to pursue singleness?

11. Do we have single mentors, single pastors, or other single Christian leaders who can help younger singles navigate the unique pressures that are part of a single celibate life?

12. Do we encourage informal and intentional connecting between singles and couples (e.g. do singles get invited over by families and/or couples)?

13. Do we provide Divorce Care, or similar grace-based, biblical ministries to help people deal with the grief and loss of a divorce?